good ones dottie and smurf sniper i like em both and DAAAMMN I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR A THREAD LIKE THIS FOR A LONG TIME SO I COULD SHARE TWO OF MY FAVS

there are 3 guys traveling down the amazon in a canoe when they end up broke down and strained on this small island in the middle of nowhere, there captured by a bunch of cannibals an taken back to the leader of there tribe
the leader says to them "ok i'm gonna kill ya'll skin ya'll and make canoes outta your skins but before i do i'll give ya one last dying wish"
well the first guy says "fuck it if i gotta die i want a drink so give me some damn jack daniels" so they go and get a bottle of jack daniels and give it to him he chugs it down and they kill him and make a canoe outta him
the second guy he says "well if i gotta fucking die i at least want one more good fuck before i go" so they go and get the prettiest women in the tribe and when he's done they kill him and make a canoe outta him
the third guy thinks about it for a minute and says "well hell if i am gonna die a want a fork" the leader thinks about it for a sec and asks him again and the guy say's "damn it i want a fork" so he sends someone to find a fork and brings it back and hand it to the guy the guy takes it to his arm and starts stabbing himself repeatably and says "YA AN'T MAKING NO GODDAMN CANOE OUTTA ME!!"

2nd one

there are three guys that have sinned all there lives and go to hell a White guy a Black guy and a Mexican
when they get to hell they are taken in front of the devil himself and the devils tells them "ok i'm gonna give ya'll all one last chance to go to heaven but first ya'll have to sit in my hand and whoever last the longest i'll let go to heaven"
so the all say ok and eagerly jump in the devils right hand
a few hundred years pass and finally the White guy jumps off and screams HOT HOT
so the throw him in the fiery pit
a few more hundred years pass and the Mexican finally jumps off yelling HOT HOT and fanning his ass at the same time so the throw him in the pit
a couple of thousands years pass and amazed he looks down at the Black guy and says "how the hell can you sit in my hand so long ?"
and the black guy looks up and says with a smirk on his face
"CHOCOLATE MELTS IN YOUR MOUTH NOT YOUR HANDS DUMB ASS!!"

p.s i apologize if the second one offends anyone
and i have a ton more to come so stay tuned kiddies