Joke Corner

[SmurfSniper]

who said Im done yet kami :P

[vince21]

chuckle. ...and the battle rages on. you need to cover some serious ground to catch organ smurf. get typing. :P

[SmurfSniper]

The teacher asks Little Johnny "Which body part goes to heaven first?"

Little Johnny replies "The feet miss"

So the teacher says "Why the feet?"

And Little Johnny says "Because when I go in my mummys bedroom at night she has her legs in the air shouting 'Oh my God I'm coming'"

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In school Mrs. Rogers was playing a word game with the kids.

She would shout out a letter and then pick on a student, and the student would pick a word that starts with the letter.

Mrs. Rogers said the letter "B" and Johnny raised his hand.

Since Mrs. Rogers thought he'd say bitch She called on Sally instead. Sally said Ball

Mrs. Rogers said the letter "P", and Johnny raised his hand again.

Since Mrs. Rogers thought he'd say Pussy, she called on Frank, who said paper.

Finally, Mrs. Rogers said the letter "R", and again Johnny raised his hand.

Mrs. Rogers couldn't think of a bad word that started with "R" so she picked Johnny.

Johnny hesitated and said "Rat" .... "A Big Mother Fucking Rat"

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Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'

Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'

Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob".

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One night Little Johnny was really scared sleeping by himself at camp, so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his teachers tent and asks "Miss can I please sleep with you tonight ?".

His teacher replies "NO"

Johnny moans and says "But my mummy lets me".

"OK then, just for tonight" the teacher replies.

Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks "Miss can I please play with your belly button with my finger".

She again says "NO".

"But my mummy lets me" says Johnny again.

"Well I suppose it's OK" replies the teacher.

Things are silent for a few minutes until the teacher leaps up screaming "THAT'S NOT MY BELLY BUTTON"

Little Johnny replies "It aint my finger either".

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Little Johnny was going to his faters house one day and he was packing everthing in his room and putting it in his little red wagon.

He was walking to his fathers house with his wagon behind him, when he came to this hill.

He started up the hill but was constantly swearing "This God damn thing is so heavy"

A priest heard him and came out. "You shouldn't be swearing" said the priest. "God hears you...He is everywhere...He's in the chruch...He's on the sidewalk...He's everywhere"

Then Little Johnny says "Oh is he in my Wagon"

The prist replies "Yes Johnny God is in your Wagon"

Little Johnny says "Well tell him to get the hell out and start pulling"

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Little Johnny comes home from school one day and asks his mother what "shit" meant.

Thinking fast she replied "food on the table".

Next day he comes home and asks his mother what does "son of a bitch" mean.

Again, thinking fast again she says "It's a priest".

Next day he comes home a asks what does "fuckin'" mean. She says it means "getting dressed".

That same night a priest was coming over for dinner. Johnny is just finished setting the table when he hears the doorbell ring.

He yells "got it". He opens the door and says "Hey son of a bitch, shits on the table and mom and dad are upstairs fuckin'".

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Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher.

She says, "Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it has an "r" after the first letter."

The entire class says, "Hello Mrs. Prussy."

A few days later the regular teacher is still sick when Little Johnny gets to his desk the teacher asks what her name is.

Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher, "I remember it has an "r" after the first letter."

"That's right!" she coaxed.

Then after a few seconds Little Johnny says, "Mrs. Crunt?"

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A boy sitting on Santas lap and Santa puts his finger on the boys nose and says "I bet your name is (spells out ) J i m m y ?"

The little boys eyes light up and Santa puts his finger on the boys nose again and says " I bet you want a (spelled out ) b i k e ?"

Little Jimmys eyes light up and he asks "How'd you know that ?"

Santa replied "Because I'm Santa I know everything".

Little Jimmy gets a funny look in his eye and says "I bet you like (spells out ) g i r l s ?"

Santa says "Yes, how'd you know that ?" The boy says " Beacause your finger smells like P U S S Y !"

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One day a lady from the church had come over and had given a gift for all the wonderful sermons that her husband has given.

Mrs. Johnson had said, "Thank you very much but what is it?"

The lady said, "It is a Damn ham."

Mrs. Johnson looked shocked and said, "Don't speak that way to me, don't you know that I am the preachers wife!"

The lady said, "Yes, yes I know, but that is the brand name of the ham!"

Mrs. Johnson said, "ooh I see well thank you" and the lady left.

Later that night when Mrs. Johnson was cooking dinner the preacher came into the kitchen and said, "Mmmm! That smells really good! What is it?"

Mrs. Johnson said," Well thats your dinner tonight, some Damn Ham"

The preacher was shocked and said, "Don't speak to me that way! Don't you know who I am?"

Mrs. Johnson said, "Yes, yes! I know who you are! It is just the brand name!"

The preacher said, "Oh! I see! Well it smells great!"

That night when dinner was ready she had set it out on the table. The corn, mashed potatoes, rolls, and ham!

When the family sat down they said their prayers and began to eat. The preacher said to his wife, "Could you please pass me some of that Damn ham?"

The wife said "sure".

Then little Johnny said, "Alright dad! While you're at it can you pass me the fucking mashed potatoes!"

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Little Johnny sees his mother walk out of the shower and sees her vagina.

He asks her what it is and she embarassed replies, "Oh, that's mommy's black sponge."

A few days later, Johnny spills a glass of milk on the floor and says, "Mommy, I need your black sponge to mop up the milk!"

She replies, "I lost it, honey."

A couple of days later, he comes running up to her and says, "Mommy, I found your black sponge!" Mystified, she says, "Where, honey?"

Little Johnny says, "It's over at Mrs. Johnson's house, and Daddy's washing his face in it!"

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Little Johnny's father asked him, "Do you know about the birds and the bees?"

"I don't want to know!" little Johnny said, bursting into tears.

Confused, the father asked little Johnny what was wrong.

"Oh dad," Little Johnny sobbed, "At age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really fuck, I've got nothing left to live for!"

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I told ya I can keep right on going :P lol have plenty more tomorrow... lol think I may do blonde jokes.

[ORGANDONOR]

i can do this all day
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Home from the Air Force
A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a year tour unaccompanied to Shemya, Alaska. The first night he got home, he exclaimed to his wife, "Honey, I want you to know that I haven't wasted all this time alone. Instead, I've mastered the art of mind over matter. Just watch this!"


And with that he dropped his trousers and shorts and stood before her in his altogether.


"Now watch," he said. Next he said, "Dick, ten-HUT!"

And with that, his dick sprang to full erection. Then he said, "Dick, at EASE!"

And his dick deflated again.

"Wow, that was amazing," said his wife. "Do you mind if I bring our next-door neighbor over to see this? It's really something else!"

The guy responded that he didn't mind at all, since he was proud of what he had accomplished. So the wife goes next door and comes back with a delicious looking woman who got this guy's full attention! After a brief pause to take her in, he said, "Now watch this." Then he said "Dick, ten-HUT!"

And the dick sprang to life. Then it was "Dick, at EASE!"


But nothing happened. So the guy again said, "Dick, at EASE!"

But still nothing happened. So the guy now says,"For the last time, you son-of-a-bitch, I said AT EASE!!"

Still nothing. Well, the guy was embarassed and ran off to the bathroom. His wife made excuses for him and then joined her husband in the bathroom, where she found him masturbating.

"What in the world are you doing?" she asked.

The guy says, "I'm givin' this son-of-a-bitch a dishonorable discharge!"


MAKING COFFEE
Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir.. gently, and firmly.

You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.

LAYING A CARPET
Laying a carpet is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, nail her, then walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.

HANGING WALLPAPER
Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.

PUTTING UP A TENT
Putting up a tent, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole an'.. slip in to the old bag.

WASHING A CAR
Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.

BEING IN THERAPY
And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You.. get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.

BEING IN A CRASH
Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.

GOING FISHING
Going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied.

Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.


Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?

The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and adozen donuts.



1. Your mattress has turned into a giant sponge.

2. It takes five minutes to unknot your bodies.

3. An earthquake of 3.4 on the Richter Scale is recorded in your area.

4. The cat's exhausted from just watching you.

5. A trampoline company has to come to adjust your bed springs.

6 You've both gone down one clothing size.

7. You cancel your chiropractic appointment. There's nothing left to adjust.

8. You have to breathe into a brown paper bag.

9. Boy, are you hungry!

10. You're absolutely satisfied yet uncontrollably horny at the same time.


A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on - the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She - tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth-out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" the old man replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!"




The diet literature explains calories burned while jogging, playing tennis or golfing, but similar information concerning sexual activity has, until now, been unavailable.

Yet, a survey of 206,000,000 people indicated that 96% devote more time and effort to sex than jogging, tennis, or golf, and we felt that the time was right for a new type of sex manual.

EXAMPLES:

1 hr. intensive foreplay Burns Off:
1 slice (large) chocolate cake.

25 min. nonstop lovemaking Burns Off:
2 slices of pizza with cheese & mushrooms.

53 min. of kissing partner Burns Off:
1 cheeseburger with 14 french fries.

53 minutes kissing yourself Burns Off: Christmas turkey with all the trimmings.

PREPARING THE BEDROOM

Includes setting the snooze alarm and dimming the lights: 42 (calories burned)

ADDITIONAL LAST MINUTE PREPARATIONS
Hiding the sex manual: 3

Decanting the wine: 4

Without a corkscrew: 268

MAKING THE FIRST MOVE

If you are shy: 15

If you are anxious: 43

If you beg: 100

SEDUCING THE PARTNER

If you are rich (cash): 5

If you are rich (credit card): 15

If you are poor: 200

INITIAL BODY CONTACT

Fumbling: 4

Casually rummaging around: 7

Seriously rummaging around: 42

REMOVING CLOTHES

With partner's consent: 12

Without partner's consent: 187

Removing socks by violently shaking feet: 418

AROUSAL AND STIMULATION

Blowing in partner's ear: 15

Blowing in your own ear: 2,512

DISAPPOINTMENT (after seeing partner undressed

Partner looks better with clothes on: 10

Partner wears corrective underwear: 15

Partner turns out to be of wrong sex: 100

You don't mind: 0.25

Partner wearing elevated socks: 50

DOING IT FOR THE FIRST TIME

Fumbling around: 4

Desperately trying to put something somewhere: 18

Completely missing: 126

POSITIONS

Italian (man on top; woman on bottom): 26

German (facing each other, but in different beds): 48

English (woman on top; man hiding): 15

American (both on top): 1,243

AFFLICTIONS

Leg cramp: 36

Making believe you don't have a leg cramp: 612

Sneezing (during intercourse): 7

Sneezing (during orgasm): 588

ASSORTED ACCIDENTS

Toupee slips off (if your partner knew you wore one): 5

Toupee slips off (if partner didn't know): 72

Extinguishing cigarette (in ashtray): 1

Extinguishing cigarette (in mattress): 17

Extinguishing cigarette (in partner's leg): 133

Calling your partner the wrong name: 50

ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE

Shoes flew off: 15

Expression didn't change: 0.5

Room turned purple: 4

Face turned purple: 78

Earth moved: 30

If Earth actually moved: 1,234,588

Moaning in Turkish: 506

THINGS OFTEN SAID AFTER SEX

"I am so grateful": 15

"It must have been something we ate": 15

"Was it good for you?": 15

"Are you finished?": 15

TRYING AGAIN

If woman is ready: 5

If man is not: 563

ROLLING OVER AND GOING TO SLEEP

After sex: 18

During sex: 546

While parking car: 212

SLEEP

Real: 5

Faked (a good way to avoid sex-craved partner): 74

TAKING A BATH TOGETHER

In a bath: 5

In a sink: 150

In a jacuzzi: 15,269

MAKING THE BED

With partner still in it: 44 (indicates either a neatness obsession, a severe optic disorder, or a partner who is very tired).

With you still in it: 97 (suggests extreme withdrawal and profound dissatisfaction)

KEEPING A JOURNAL

Maintaining your own record of sexual activity will be helpful for keeping track of weight loss. You needn't go into detail, just list the activity and the number of calories burned.

A typical entry in a woman's journal (for example) for a pleasant low-key sexual experience might read as follows:

December 1st: Sex with Harold

Explaining how: 12

Suggesting something different: 3

Calming terrified Harold: 40

Encouraging him to at least take off his socks: 8

Foreplay (a little of this; a little of that): 56

Intercourse (standing position): 22

Intercourse (holding Harold up): 10

Intercourse (urging him on): 5

Orgasm: not sure

Thanking Harold: 3

Waving bye-bye: 1

Total time: six minutes (taxi waiting)

Total calories burned: 160

[DocSkunk]

A nun, a priest, and a lawyer on board a sinking ship. the nun says woman and children first! the Lawyer says fuck the children, and the priest says "do we really have time?"

a 10 year old boy goes to the red light district of his local town seeking a prostitute. He arrives at a chain of motel rooms with hookers in them. he knocks on the first door and the prostitute opens the door and asks "How can i help you little boy?" The little boy looks up to her as asks her "Skuse me misss do you have herpies? and the hooker says "No little boy i dont" he says thank you and moves down the chain of rooms asking the same question and getting the same responce. one of the hookers called down to the last room and told her that this little boy was looking for a girl with herpies and that she could take care of him. Finaly the 10 year old boy arrived at the last room and the prostitute opened the door and said "i hear you been looking for a girl with herpies. Do you have herpies little boy?" and the little boy shakes his head no and she asks "then why do you want herpies if you dont already have it?" the little boy said " well if i had sex with you i will get herpies, then i will go home and have sex with the baby sitter and she will get herpies and she will have sex with my dad and he will get herpies, and he will have sex with my mom and she will get herpies and she will have sex with the postman and he will get herpies, and he's the same mother fucker who stepped on my frog this morning."

those are just very few jokes i know. organ told me to post so heres just a tidbit.
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The Deer Hunt


1:00 am - Alarm clock rings
2:00 am - Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed
2:30 am - Throw everything except the kitchen sink into the pick-up
3:00 am - Leave for the deep woods
3:15 am - Back home to pick up gun
3:30 am - Set up camp. Forgot the damn tent
4:00 am - Drive like hell to get to the woods before daylight
4:30 am - Set up camp
6:05 am - Head for the woods
6:06 am - See eight deer
6:07 am - Take aim and squeeze the trigger
6:08 am - CLICK
8:00 am - Load gun while watching deer go over the hill
9:00 am - Head back to camp
12:00 NOON - Fire gun for help--eat wild berries
12:15 pm - Run out of bullets--eight deer come back
12:20 pm - Strange feeling in stomach
12:30 pm - Realize you ate poison berries
12:45 pm - Rescued
12:55 pm - Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped
3:00 pm - Arrive back at camp
3:30 pm - Leave camp to kill deer
4:00 pm - Return to camp for bullets
4:01 pm - Load gun--Leave camp again
5:00 pm - Empty gun on squirrel that is bugging you
6:00 pm - Arrive at camp--see deer grazing in camp
6:01 pm - Load gun
6:02 pm - Fire gun
6:03 pm - One dead pick-up
6:05 pm - Hunting partner arrives in camp dragging deer
6:06 pm - Repress desire to shoot hunting partner
6:07 pm - Fall into fire
6:10 pm - Change clothes--throw burned ones onto fire
6:15 pm - Take pick-up, leave hunting partner and his deer in camp
6:25 pm - Pick-up boils over--hole shot in block
6:26 pm - Start walking
6:30 pm - Stumble and fall, drop gun in mud
6:35 pm - Meet bear
6:36 pm - Take aim
6:37 pm - Fire gun, blow up barrel--plugged with mud
6:38 pm - Mess pants
6:39 pm - Climb tree
9:00 pm - Bear leaves. Wrap *$%!@#$% gun around tree

Midnight - Home at last

[vince21]

chuckle. i love reading these. keep posting!

[SmurfSniper]

A blonde, brunette and red head escaped from jail. They were being chased by the police. They were running through the streets when they saw an old barn. So they ran in and found three potato sacks. They all jumped in.

The cop walked in the barn and saw the three potato sacks.
One cop goes to the other "Kick the sacks to make sure nothing's in them"

So the cop walks up to the potato sack with the brunette and kicked it.

The brunette said "Meow Meow" and the cop thought it was a cat and walked to the next potato sack.

The cop kicked the second sack with the red head in it.
The red head said "Woof Woof" so the cop walked to the third potato sack thinking a dog was in the second one.

The cop kicked the third sack with the blonde in it.
And the blonde said "Po-tay-toes...".

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A blond, a brunette, and a redhead were trying out for a new NASA experiment on sending women to different planets. First, they called the brunette in and asked her a question.

"If you could go to any planet, what planet would you want to go to and why?"

After pondering the question she answered, "I would like to go to Mars because it seems so interesting with all the recent news about possible extra terrestrial life on the planet."

They said "well okay, thank you." And told her that they would get back to her.

Next, the redhead entered the room and the NASA people asked her the same question. In reply, "I would like to go to Saturn to see all of its rings." Again, "thank you" and they would get back to her.

Finally, the blond entered the room and they asked her the same question they asked the brunette and the redhead. She thought for a while and replied, "I would like to go to the sun."

The people from NASA replied, "why, don't you know that if you went to the sun you would burn to death?"

The blond smirked and put her hands on her hips. "Are you guys dumb? I'd go at night!

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A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Shit, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

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A young woman said to her doctor, "You have to help me, I hurt all over."

"What do you mean?" said the doctor.

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe. "Ow, even THAT hurts."

The doctor asked the woman, "Are you a natural blonde?"

"Why yes," she said.

"I thought so," said the doctor... "You have a sprained finger."

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One day this guy comes to work at a dildo shop. His boss leaves for the day and puts him in charge of the shop.

About an hour later a black haired lady comes in and asks "How much for your black dildos?"

The guy says "30 bucks"

"And how much for your white dildos?" asks the lady.

Again the man says "30 bucks for the black and 30 bucks for the white"

So she takes the black one and leaves.

A while later a brunette comes in to the store and asks "How much for your white dildos?"

The man responds "30 bucks"

She asks "And how much for your black dildos?"

"30 bucks for the white and 30 bucks for the black" replies the man.

So she takes the white one leaves.

About an hour later a blonde walks through the door and asks "How much are your dildos?"

The guys says "All our dildos are 30 bucks"

Then she looks up behind the man on a shelf and ask "How much for that plaid one?"

The man responds "Oh, that one is special. That will cost you $250"

The blonde agrees and takes it.

Later that day the boss come back and asks "So what did you sell today?"

The man says "I sold a black dildo, a white dildo , and your thermous flask for $250!"

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How do you sink a submarine full of blondes?
Knock on the door.

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Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
The instructions stated, "good for up to 20 pounds".

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What stops then goes then stops then goes?
A blonde at a blinking red light.

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What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A blonde parade.

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What is the blonde's highest ambition in life?
They want to be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.

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What are the six worst years in a blonde's life.
Third grade.

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What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
You keep hearing about them, but never see any.

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How to you keep a blonde busy all day?
Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.

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What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
Run! She's got a hand grenade in her mouth.

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How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
I'll tell you tomorrow.

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Why can't the blonde make ice cubes?
She lost the recipe.

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How do you hit a blonde so she will never know it?
With a thought.

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Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering?
The noise gave her a headache.

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How does a blond know if she's on her way home or on her way to work?
She opens her lunch box to see if there is anything in it.

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What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?
Perri-air.

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Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

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When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
When you have a tire pump to reinflate it!

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Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
She missed.

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What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear?
Data transfer.

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lol theres a few for today

[ORGANDONOR]

Lesbian
A blonde guy was sitting in a bar when he spots a very pretty young woman. He advances towards her when the bartender says to him, "Don't waste your time on that one. She's a lesbian." The blonde goes over to her anyway and says, "So which part of Lesbia are you from?"




In the Freezer
What do you get when you put two blondes in the freezer?

Frosted flakes.



Emergency Kit
Josh was helping Sally, the blonde, clean out the trunk of her car. Inside, he noticed a bag labeled "Emergency Repair Kit". Looking at it a little closer, he noticed a stick of dynamite inside.

Thinking that was a bit strange, he asked Sally what it was for.

She said, "It's part of my emergency repair kit."

Josh said, "I can see that, but why?"

Sally replied, "In case I have a flat and need to blow up one of my tires."



How does a blond turn on the light after sex?

She opens the car door.


Blonde Stewardess
An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering
what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room?" the captaind asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here, "she cried," one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says "Do Not Disturb"!!



You've got mail, the Blonde version
A blonde keeps walking down her drive to her mail box.

She keeps doing this until her neighbour asks her why she is doing that.

The blonde replies "My computer keeps telling me that i've got mail".




the funniest blonde joke
I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......

* she called me to get my phone number.

* she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."

* she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

*she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

*she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

*she tried to drown a fish.

*she thought a quarterback was a refund.

*she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

*she tripped over a cordless phone.

*she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

*she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

*she studied for a blood test.

*she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

*when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

*when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

*when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home



Drivers Licence
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."





thats anuff for today

[ORGANDONOR]

Proud Texan Father
A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds.

Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth?"

"Yup, shore am!"

"How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answered, "Ten pounds."

The bartender said, "Why, what happened? He did weigh twenty pounds."

The proud Texas father said, "Jest had him circumcised!"





The Buffalo Theory
The "Buffolo Theory" of Beer..

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers, and that's why beer is so GOOD for you!





I Thought You Were My Wife
A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up
her skirt and began fondling her.

She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."





Signs That You are Too Drunk
You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Your job is interfering with your drinking.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alchohol stream.

Your career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

You sincerely believe alchohol is the elusive 5th food group.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence? I think not!

Two hands and just one mouth.. - now THAT'S a drinking problem!

You can focus better with one eye closed.

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

You fall off the floor..

Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

At AA meetings you begin: 'Hi my name is.. uh..'

Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed.

The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in..

You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alchohol, and [Women or Men].

Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.

Roseanne looks good.

Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

That damned pink elephant followed me home again.

I'm as sober as a judge.

The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.

You wake up screaming 'TORO TORO TORO!' in the middle of the night.



Presents for the Wife
Three men, a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks.

After a sip of his Martini, the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn't like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."

After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, "Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the trip, and she would have known that I loved her."

The biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, "Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the t-shirt, then she could go f*** herself."



Speech Impediment
Two life-long friends were enjoying a few pints down at the local bar, when one said to the other:

"If I ask you a question, will you promise to answer me honestly?"

"Yeah, sure thing," replied his friend, "fire away."

"Well," said the first guy, "why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?"

"It's probably because of her speech impediment," replied the second guy.

"What do you mean her speech impediment?" inquired the first fellow.

"My wife doesn't have a speech impediment!"

"Well," replied his friend, "you must be the only guy who hasn't noticed that she can't say 'NO'!"




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