Life Changing Event?

[ORGANDONOR]

i gess it all started when my grandmother called me and wanted to talk to me on the phone she was sick and had a lot of problems.But i was young and said that i had shit to do and that i would call her back and i went out with my girlfriend at the time. i never called her back. the next day i got a call form my aunt and asked if i had talked to her and i said that she had caled but i was busy and i would call her back . so she said ok and i called her again and never got an awnser i knew something was worng. i told my dad and we went to her house. we got to her house and knocked on the door and there was no anwser so my called her house and she didnt pick up. my grandmother was blind so we knew something was wrong we called everyone in the family that we knew to see it she was with them. thay all said no she should be at home. so we called the fire daperment and thay came and broke in to the house i was the first one in the house and the first one to find her lyeing on the floor dead form a heartatack. I fell to the floor i lost it. I didnt want to talk to her because i had better things to do with my gf then to even talk to her and the day i called her she passed i felt like the bigest asshole in the world and still to this day i wish i just talked to her one last time.


the second one is when my dad passed away on oct 10 of this year it killed me he was verry sick for a long time he was haveing problems since 94 but every he allways pulled through. but over time everything got worse and he got sicker and sicker. he had a lotmore health problems form all the meds and stuff he was on for his heart and other stuff his kednees and liver shut down and anurisum he had to get ruched in to the hospital on the 9th because he was haveing really bad pains in his back and side where it was that took him up and did i ct scan and told him that he had to have sugery on it. all the wow i was at my friends batchler party and had no clue what was going on but for some reason i checked my cell phone to see 20 missed calls and voice mails for my family and him. lessond to all of then and my heart dropped i started freeking out. i called my mother and brother and was freeking out because i had no car there we all took one together i finely get there and see him and get to talk to him. And he told me he would see me when he got out and when he got better thay we would go hunting together because he couldnt do it and that was his favert thing to do before he got sick. we waited there all night he came out and was fine so we went home and where going to get some sleep and come back the next day. as we pulled up in front on the house in the yard accrost the street form mine was a 10 point buck and it was weard because all the yards here the woods have really high fences in there yards so he had to come down the street. i felt something was wrong but i let the feeling go and was going to tell my dad what i seen the next moring well i just sat on the couch and took off my shoos and we get a call we had to go back he took a turn for the worse and he passed away when we got there and i got to say my good buys. but life is heard now we lost a lot of money and are in det form all his hospital bills and house payments among others. we are all pulling through and fine but its tuff. i know that i allways seem to be in a good mood but im a broken man theres a lot of stuff i do and say thats a front so ppl dont know how i really feel but im geting better as time goes on.

RIP DAD I LOVE YOU

[Shotgun]

About 6 years ago I started to suffer from extreme panic attacks, I'm 18 years old right now. I would be completely engrossed in my studying for school and I never looked anywhere else, studying and gaming were my life. I lived life like that until I hit High School, the work load increased and I felt myself falling from my usual habits of studying. Reading had been one of my favorite pastimes, I would wake up for school at 8 at 6 in the morning and read until I had to go. Mid-Freshman year I could bring myself to open a book. Reading and concentrating became arduous tasks and I could not bring myself to get any help from anyone. I had always been independent minus the fact that I had been under the shadow of an overprotective mother since birth. I started looking for openings and barely made it through Freshman year (I had a fully paid scholarship and needed to maintain a 92). Beginning of Sophomore year is when my trouble started, in October of that year I began to suffer from severe bouts of pain in my stomach and back, I wasn't sure what was wrong and I was hospitalized several times at the beginning of the year. During my last hospitalization I was given intense doses of a painkiller called Dilaudid that is much stronger than morphine and is basically a heroin synthetic. I was on it for 2 weeks in the hospital until they sent me home still with no clue as to what was wrong with me. At this point I had already missed near to a month of school and I was behind by a lot, I didn't know what to do, couldn't concentrate on anything and just laid around all day. In late November I was hospitalized a second time after 5 nights of screaming on the bathroom floor. They gave me more Dilaudid to calm me until they found that my gall bladder had failed. I have a liver disease called spherocytosis which causes my blood cells to be malformed meaning that if an infection was bad enough I'd need dialasys and a transfusion. The gall bladder was removed and the pain ceased but several weeks after being home on pain medication I didn't know what to do about school and problems at home. I started to sneak a pain pill here and there because I remembered how it made me feel. I went through two months of being high every day and doing well in school. I used the medication as a means to concentrate and calm myself (I had never told anyone about my panic attacks). Near the end of the year I started to take Xanax, I went to a school popular with party drugs and a large drug culture. I began to take my mother's prescription for Xanax, and by the end of April I was taking 6 a day or more, mixed with several other drugs. I started to search in my house for all kinds of drugs. My grandmother had a mastectomy and she had tons of valium and vicodin and percocet laying around the house so i began to take it. I finished over 500 valium and 200 painkillers, until one day my mother found that most of her pain medication was missing. She asked me about it and I was so miserable that I confessed immediately. I was taken to the hospital and hospitalized for 3 days where I spoke to counselors about my problems. When I got out, I had no want for the drugs and no need for them, I finished the year well on prescription anti-depressants from a psychiatrist. By mid Junior year I was at it again, finding more drugs and bringing them to school to sell them for money to buy more powerful version. I quickly became a major drug supplier for many kids at school. I stole 40 vicodin from a friend who kept them in his bag for leg surgery. That same day my mother searched my bag and found them. I was taken again to the hospital and went through the same ordeal. In May my psychologist put me through several tests and it was found that I had ADD. My panic attacks were self induced by the fact that I knew something was wrong but didn't know how to fix it. I managed to do well and finish up Junior year. Senior year in October I went out in the morning during a mass that we didnt all have to attend and was caught smoking pot by the school officials with a group of kids with over 2 ounces of high grade pot. I wasn't suspended but got off with a warning. The drug use had worn off until that point. I had started dating a wonderful girl named Jessica, a family friend and a personal friend. She had changed my life. After that incident I stopped my habitual drug use. I still haven't weaned myself completely and every so often I go through a period of days where I use. I drink on occasion and get drunk as some of you may know. It's not a healthy lifestyle but I'm struggling to remain as sober as possible until I can pinpoint my problems and fix them. My drug use had cost me the trust of my parents and the loss of many friends and the respect of their parents. No one knows what I go through daily because I don't share my feelings. I have infinite faces that I put on to hide the pain that I deal with inside. This is my life for the past 6 years. MY mother developed breast cancer and went through a radical mastectomy which was later found out to be unnecessary and my little brother was diagnosed as having Aspergers. All of these things mixed with self imposed stress have made my life a living hell.

[kamikaze_bad_ass]

organ i am truly sorry about your dad and i know what i wrote is a socker but its all true i ask that ya'll look over my imperfetions and [pray for me you have no idea how bad i need it and i need a shoulder to cry on too sometimes cause i feel like a failure and i feel like quiting life in general sometimes

[Vanishedsoul]

organ i am truly sorry about your dad and i know what i wrote is a socker but its all true i ask that ya'll look over my imperfetions and [pray for me you have no idea how bad i need it and i need a shoulder to cry on too sometimes cause i feel like a failure and i feel like quiting life in general sometimes

dude.....there is help out there broskie

[NoogyMan]

Kami, You ever need to talk or vent or anything. Hit me up on:

Steam: word Noogyman
Xfire: noogyman
AIM: Jmancaudill

I'll be glad to be the shoulder if ya need one! Like I said there is plenty of love here.
-Noogyman

[SmurfSniper]

wow..... reading this has actually got me a little teary eyed... well for those who have lost, those who have regrets, and those who have had a rough life all around... keep ya head up! this thread just goes to show how we are all pretty much one big family (even though we most of us have never even met)

I guess I have several regrets... especially for this year, and all have to do with wishing I had spent more time with friends and family.

Trevor Jones, a very close friend and very talented tattoo artist. wish he was still around to bullshit with and spend what seemed like all nighters tattooing. died february, 11th 2009

Herbert Lutes, what can I say.... "pap, I would give anything to have you here now" I miss my grandfather so much, but the last couple years I didnt get to spend hardly any time with him due to work... well nowhere near the amount I wish I had now :'( He taught me almost everything I know. He could bullshit with the best and have you believing anything. Died Feb. 12th, 2009

Edna Kennon, really dont know what to say here.... I loved my mammaw, and I miss her.
Died Aug. 23rd, 2009


Jerry "tiger" Bowman, wow never ever ever would have imagined or even thought I would have had to go through losing a brother. it was so unexpected and hurt so much. Just wish I could go back and prevent some of the shit that lead to his death.... after finding out all the shit he was doing, I just turned my back on it and started avoiding him thought to myself..... "his ass is going to have to learn, I just hope he dont take it to far" when I should have been there and tried to lead him away from the drugs... I miss you bro
Died, Sept. 24th, 2009

and

Linville O'hair, well he was a grandfather I really didnt get to know as well as I probably should have :-\
Died, Sept. 25th 2009


I would say this has probably been a very rough year all around. For everyone here!

[vince21]

well said smurf. even though, we have these thoughts and feelings we feel we cannot share with anyone ( God knows i'm one of them) this is really one place i do feel comfortable sharing them. this is a second family. it only shows that there are people out there who do give a damn about you.

[ORGANDONOR]

organ i am truly sorry about your dad and i know what i wrote is a socker but its all true i ask that ya'll look over my imperfetions and [pray for me you have no idea how bad i need it and i need a shoulder to cry on too sometimes cause i feel like a failure and i feel like quiting life in general sometimes

bro i pray for everyone of my friends each and everyday and your one on my friends so i pray for you to like i said love you like a bro man and if you ever need a shoulder or some one to talk to im here

xfire: fatall33t
email:fatalleet@hotmail.com
cell:412-853-9806

Ps: thank you
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we all give a dam about each other in here we are family

[kamikaze_bad_ass]

smurf dude I'm sorry that u lost all those people in your life all in the same year you have to treasure every moment with everyone you love cause you never know if you will have tomorrow but don't beat yourself up cause you weren't there more and don't blame yourself for your brother habbits and what happened to him , it's not your fault that he did drugs or whatever he did that was his choice not yours.
could you have been there more certainly should you have tried harder to help him probably but in the long run he choose his life and you could have done everything in the world to make him stop but just like leading a horse to water you can't make em drink so till he really wanted it for himself to stop and change it would not have happened.

and to organ thanks for being like a true brother and for have a true heart of gold and for caring for not only for me but everyone in this community YOUR ONE IN A MILLION
and i really appreciate you caring about me i really do I'm sorry if i brought up my life and my past to much but one thing i have learned while in the program is you have feelings for a reason and sometimes they will lie to you and if you bottle up your feelings ( like i have my whole life ) than they will eventually bring you down and make it imposable to live a normal life you can't hold on to the past, or change the past, you can't control the past, the past is just that the past it is only there to remind you of what you have been through what you have done good in and where you have failed at and to remind you not to repeat the stuff you failed at ( which is my #1 problem i have not learned my lesson on all my mistakes i still think i am capable of doing some things even thou i know what the consequences will be i.e "The Burger King Mentality" ) another perfect example is the definition of insanity which is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different consequence and i am not tiring to preach but one of my favorite bible verses is
“So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today." Matthew 6:34 thanks to everyon in this community for being there for me and for being the family i have never had

I LOVE YOU ALL

[ORGANDONOR]

your welcome brother
love you man

[NoogyMan]

And to think.... People wonder why we spend so much time, work, and money in this place. It's cause we ARE indeed a family and love each other!

You guys are amazing, Happy Holiday's!
-Noogyman

[Mongoloid]

I got some shit it seems that its a happy home for me with my girl of 8years and have three kids together, i live my life like a robot doing the same routine everyday wake up go to work for 13 hours come home as a zombie ghosting through life due to me and my girl not getting along any more dont get me wrong i love my kids do anything for them same as my girl but when it feels like ur not getting appriciated for what you do and sacrifaced for them and all the hard work i do. i feel lost i get no graditude from her. We now feel like room mates just with kids. I think she sticks around fro the kids but when u know there is nothing there u know. I come on here when im not working mad to relax and have fun and shoot the shit with you guys its like the wieght is lifted off my shoulders for the couple of hours i am here gaming and chatting away with everyone. Growing up you really never get told how really HARD life is.......Love, trust, pain, BILLS, no money..... i wish things turn around big time

[ORGANDONOR]

it is really heard live sucks man but dont give up on anything just stick in there

[Sadistic]

God Is love dude, God is love
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i was blown 30 feet out of a humvee in iraq while on patrol down bomb alley, our convoy was hit by a IED that took out the first humve the humvee i was driving was then hit by a rpg underneath the chasey, needless to 3 of my men were killed, i was left injured with Shrapnel scars down my legs and back as well a concussion.....and a tore ACL. needless to say i was spent some time at walter reed and then was sent home and put on Recruiting duty where i stayed for a year and then decided not to put in for re-enlistment and instead applied to the University of Washington where i study Psychology to be a Drug and Alcohol counselor. I intend to get into a field where i work with Vets home from was past present and future and help to work through some of the issues that push them to the bottle, bet yall didnt know that.....
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god is love dude

dude! my best friend has the same kinda story but it was an IED it was a roadside... he broke is femur and his jaw in two places and was in critical condition for 2 weeks, and he was in the hospital for a long long time, now hes good and hes going back to iraq in 2010!

As for me my grandmother had passed away not all that long ago (this summer) and she had Lou Gherigs disease and Muscular Distrophy among the few problems that she had. I visited her a few times but not near as many as i should. My mom and my dad worked hard all there lives to give me and my siblings what we have today.. and while there were doing so she was the one taking car of me, my bro and my sis. I cant tell you how much i wish i would have visited her more.. but i hated seeing her like that so i didnt...

And sios i feel ya there but not to the same extent... I dated a girl from when i was 16 til i was 20 and thought i (i know its corny lol) found the "one" we dated for almost 4 years.. i know i was young.. but i knew what i wanted and i knew that she was it. Well needless to say.. Got my heart ripped out and stepped on. Im not the same person i was b4 anymore... SHE STILL fucks with me like as much as possible.. she just recently got my best friend to start talking bout me bhind my back and now they are dating. So needless to say we arent "best friends" any more. which is a big part of y my css hours have grown so much.

[ORGANDONOR]

i fill you all its not easy. life through us in diffrent drections all the time and its not fair but it makes us better ppl and stronger for the times we need it with a girl someone that passes away or just something that gets us down. life isnt fair but what is.