Joke Corner

[DoT]

Hey! It's time to share some jokes!
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A girl asks her boyfriend, to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announced to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the counter, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3-pack, 10-pack, or a family pack. "I'm really going to give it to this girl," the boy tells the pharmacist. "I intend to go for hours and hours." The pharmacist, with a laugh, suggests the family pack, saying the boy will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meet his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down. 10 minutes passes and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious. " The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!!"

[NoogyMan]

HaHaHa! I love that one!

-"What is EggHead?"

-Thats what Mrs. Dumpty give to Humpty!!

Hahahaha!

-"Guess what I saw?!?!" - Wood.

-"Guess what I herd?!?!" - Sheep.

Those are just some random small corny ones haha.
-Noogyman

[BioHaZarD69]

not really a joke but funny!

some people are like Slinkies - not really good for anything, but you still can't help but laugh when you see one tumble down the stairs! LMAO

[SmurfSniper]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

[kamikaze_bad_ass]

good ones dottie and smurf sniper i like em both and DAAAMMN I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR A THREAD LIKE THIS FOR A LONG TIME SO I COULD SHARE TWO OF MY FAVS

there are 3 guys traveling down the amazon in a canoe when they end up broke down and strained on this small island in the middle of nowhere, there captured by a bunch of cannibals an taken back to the leader of there tribe
the leader says to them "ok i'm gonna kill ya'll skin ya'll and make canoes outta your skins but before i do i'll give ya one last dying wish"
well the first guy says "fuck it if i gotta die i want a drink so give me some damn jack daniels" so they go and get a bottle of jack daniels and give it to him he chugs it down and they kill him and make a canoe outta him
the second guy he says "well if i gotta fucking die i at least want one more good fuck before i go" so they go and get the prettiest women in the tribe and when he's done they kill him and make a canoe outta him
the third guy thinks about it for a minute and says "well hell if i am gonna die a want a fork" the leader thinks about it for a sec and asks him again and the guy say's "damn it i want a fork" so he sends someone to find a fork and brings it back and hand it to the guy the guy takes it to his arm and starts stabbing himself repeatably and says "YA AN'T MAKING NO GODDAMN CANOE OUTTA ME!!"

2nd one

there are three guys that have sinned all there lives and go to hell a White guy a Black guy and a Mexican
when they get to hell they are taken in front of the devil himself and the devils tells them "ok i'm gonna give ya'll all one last chance to go to heaven but first ya'll have to sit in my hand and whoever last the longest i'll let go to heaven"
so the all say ok and eagerly jump in the devils right hand
a few hundred years pass and finally the White guy jumps off and screams HOT HOT
so the throw him in the fiery pit
a few more hundred years pass and the Mexican finally jumps off yelling HOT HOT and fanning his ass at the same time so the throw him in the pit
a couple of thousands years pass and amazed he looks down at the Black guy and says "how the hell can you sit in my hand so long ?"
and the black guy looks up and says with a smirk on his face
"CHOCOLATE MELTS IN YOUR MOUTH NOT YOUR HANDS DUMB ASS!!"

p.s i apologize if the second one offends anyone
and i have a ton more to come so stay tuned kiddies

[NoogyMan]

LMFAO! I like yours Smurf haha!

Kami your's are awesome too! I think this thread will be a blast and a half!

ok... So three guys are on a ship. Well this huge storm comes and they end up ship wrecked on an island! They end up getting captured by some natives and they are taken to the cheif. The cheif says "I will let you three men live... but you have to pass a test first!" The three men jump on the chance to live and take the test. The chief sends them out in the woods to bring back as much of one kind of fruit they can find.

Well after a few hours the first guy comes back with two handfuls of grapes. The chief orders him to remove his pants and bend over. The chief stuffs the grapes up his ass one by one, and after all the grapes are up in his ass the chief says, "ok you pass you can live." Hours later the second guy comes back and he as two apples in his hands. The chief orders him to remove his pants and bend over, the chief stuffs the two apples up his ass, all the while the second man is laughing.... the chief asks "Why are you laughing so hard?" The second man says " I passed the thrid guy and he was carring a watermelon!"

-Noogyman

[DoT]

While making love, a man says:
- Darling, let's do 68!
- 68??? What's that?
- You do it to me and I'll owe you one.

Rofl Rofl
I had some from my cousin's Sex Jokes app, but I forgot some, i'll keep updating

[kamikaze_bad_ass]

here are some more i love that comes from the readers digest ( i love that magazine i read em mainly for the humor sections and columns )

wandering around the faigrounds, a man sees a fortune tellers tent and decides to go in for a quick laugh.the fortune teller tells him "you are the father of 2 kids" gazing into her magic crystal ball. "that's what you fucking think" says the man says scornfully. "I'm the father of three kids" laughing "THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK" SAYS THE LADY "

Indians ask there new cheif wheither it will be cold or mild that winter. since the young cheif never learned the ways of his ancestors he tells his tribe to go gather lots of firewood and goes off to call the national weather service. "will the winter be cold this year?" he asks. " looks like it" says the weather man. so the chief tells his people to go gather more firewood. a week later he calls again "are you positive it will be cold this winter" " absolutely" says the weather man." the chief tells his people to gather even more firewood. a week goes by and he calls yet again "are you sure it will be a cold winter" " I'm sure it's gonna be the coldest winter on record" "how do you know" asks the chief " because all the Indians are out gathering firewood"

my fav of all time

a priest a minister and a rabbi want to see who is best at his job so they decide to each go into the woods, find a bear and try to convert it. later that afternoon they get together . the priest begins " when i found the bear, i read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. next week will be his first Communion"
"I found the bear by the stream and preached to him god's holy word" says the minister. "he was so mesmerized that he let me Baptize him."
they both look down at the rabbi, who is laying on a gurney in a full body cast.
''looking back" he says "maybe i shouldn't have started with the Circumcision"

[ORGANDONOR]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'




The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!
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A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

[NoogyMan]

LMFAO!! I do belive Organ is winning this at the moment.

-Noogyman

[ORGANDONOR]

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."




Poor guy
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"




On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"





A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."
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A little girl walks into her parents' bathroom and notices for the First time, her father's nakedness.

Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn't have. She asks, "What are those round things hanging there, daddy?"

Proudly, he replies, "Those, sweetheart, are God's Apples of Life.

Without them we wouldn't be here."

Puzzled, she seeks her mommy out and tells her what daddy has said.

To which mommy asks, "Did he say anything about the dead branch they're hanging from?"

[SmurfSniper]

Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."

Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"

Wife : "Those they gave away."

Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."

Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"

Husband : "That's where they held the auction."

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Little Johnny is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.

"Yeah teach?" he replies.

"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.

Little Johnny answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."

"No, Johnny, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.

"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"

The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Johnny, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."

Little Johnny replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"

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A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this...

'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'

She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."

So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"

Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

One day the teacher walked to the back of the room where Johnny was, and he had his hand down his pants.

The Teacher asked, "Johnny, what are you doing?"

Then, Johnny said, "It hurts down there."

"Well then, you need to go to the nurse and see if you can go home", said the teacher.

A little while later, Johnny came back to classroom and sat back down.

Then the teacher came to the back of the room again, and he had his dick haging out of his pants.

The teacher said, "Johnny, what's that doing hanging out of your pants?!"

Then Johnny said, "My mommy said if I can stick it out until noon, she'll come and pick me up."

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Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!"

The Teacher fainted.
--------------------------

I can go all day with Little johnny jokes lol

[ORGANDONOR]

lol

[DoT]

Lmfao at the April joke Smurf!

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

"Hello?"
"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only $1,500.00."
"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much ... "

"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year ... "
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000 ... "
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

"Great! But before we hang up, something else ... "
"What?"
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property ... "
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $450,000 - a magnificent price ... and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover ... "

"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie ... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye ... I do too ... "

The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?

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A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month.
A month later, the musician went to a porno theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog.
After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music."
"Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."

-------------------------------------------------------------

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary.
As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband: "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied: "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked: "What are you thinking now?"
He replied: "It looks like I did a pretty good job."

[kamikaze_bad_ass]

roflmato

holy shit this thread is funny i'm laughing my ass off
but honestly i think that organ wins this one hands down and smurf and dot tie for second i'm not sure what ya'll think of mine
this should go on forever like face to a name thread